Chuck Norris

Some one sent me this list of facts about Chuck Norris. I thought you'd all enjoy them. Just a warning...some of these are a little risque, but they are all funny, so therefore totally worth it.

1--Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2--Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3--When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
4--Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5--Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6--Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7--Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
8--A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
9--Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
10--To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11--The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from darkside-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
12--Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13--Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14--Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
15--The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
16--After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
17--Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and SCHIT.COM on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. 18--Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
19--Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. 20--If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
21--Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
22--Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
23--One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
24--Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
25--Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26--Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
27--Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the SCHIT.COM out of little kids.
28--When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
29--Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
30--Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds
31--The red cross isn't lying when they say there is a blood shortage... most of it goes to the survivors of walker texas ranger
32. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
33. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
34. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
35. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
36. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
37. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
38. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
39. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
41. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
42. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
43.Well you know those aren't actually credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
44. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
45.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancetry the man ate a f*cking Indian!
46.When you open up a can of whoop ass ... Chuck Norris jumps out.
47. Chuck Norris can ejaculate through pure steel.
48. Chuck Norris has no actual chest hair, but it is just pubic hair trying to fight its way to his beard.
49. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
50.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
51.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
52.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 53.When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
54.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
55.Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
56.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 57.Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.
58.Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
59.Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
60.Whenever you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten, but not really because you masturbated..just for the hell of it.
61.Chuck Norris doesn't wake at the crack of dawn, The dawn cracks when Chuck Norris wakes. 62.Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.
63.Chuck Norris was conceived when God round-house kicked Satan in the ovary.
64.Chuck Norris weighs as much as a thousand suns. Normally, the Laws of Physics would cause him to collapse in on himself, but the Laws of Physiscs are afraid of being roundhoused kicked into another dimension.
65.If Superman and the Flash were to race to the egde of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.
66.Chuck Norris once hurled his body in the way of an 18 wheeler to save a baby, coincedently while performing his NFL style victory dance he spiked the baby into the ground and performed a perfect moonwalk.
67.Chuck Norris only has sex with AIDS-infected hookers to, "Put the sport back into it." 68.When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode.
69.Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
70.Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

i'm peachy.

*roundhouse kick!*