i hate weekends. i know this makes me weird, but i do. i have for a while now. i used to have awesome weekends that i could look forward to every thursday or friday. now i sit in my apartment alone for hours watching TV, then i might go out...i might not. i usually come home early because i've been painfully reminded of how poopy i've made my personal life and that i'm alone. i miss last year. i want it to be october of last year. now. junior year sucks. i have nothing to look forward to anymore. the thing that makes me happiest is rehearsals for Jekyll and Hyde, and even those can be rough. i want to get away from la salle every weekend or so. i want to make pretzels, or mini pizzas or ramen and watch comedy central. i want to lay in bed on friday morning a little longer than everyone else and wake up and watch more TV, waiting for someone to come back, knowing that they'll come back. i want to watch movies and eat at mcdonalds and ride the subway. i want to have someone to ride the train home with and let me sleep because i feel safer sleeping when someone is there to watch me. i want to have someone other than my parents to call when something good or bad or indifferent happens to me. i want to have someone to talk online to until 4am about nothing more than trivial stuff. i want to smell the old smells. i want to feel that special feeling that i did last fall and last spring (until i went and screwed everything up). the way i acted last spring is my only regret in life. i no longer regret some old things. just that. i think about it all the time. everyday.
this entry was kinda personal, but i don't think many people read this anyway. i'm sick of being alone and i can't get over the past so i can get on with the future. i'm a sad mess. i really am.
i need something to look forward to. i need a new routine, according to sara. someone help me out with that (anyone).
the peach is still a lonely hunter.
2 comments:
Don't I know that feeling all too well. It's a hard way to live being alone. It sucks. And I feel that way too. But sometimes, you need to try to live like the cock-eyed optimist. It can help blind away the sucky parts of life that you can't really control. I say it all the time, but look at what you can control and life and you will find that things ain't quite that bad.
Keep it real, enjoy as much as you can, and remember to always look on the bright side of life. Doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo.
An adendum to that last post. Here is a quote I sometimes look to when facing hard times. It may seem a bit harsh to think in these terms, but to an extent, I totally believe them:
"Actual happiness looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular to instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."
~Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
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